This is a hard one.

 Baby K Feb 2018

Baby K July 2018

This post is a hard one that I have been putting off for this

long because it was a big hurt that took time to heal. Its still a 

little tender but God is good and I Praise Him.

We were blessed to run along side this boy (our boy)

for 5 months. He was a Joy. This was the first time I

had a baby bond so quickly and fully to me. When we 

got baby K we were told he is going to be adopted so he

may be with us a while and that was fine with us. We did 

all the court visits as mom was given chances to change her

mind, after the first court visit mom stopped coming. We

would still go, make an appearance, then be excused 

until the next court date ( CPFSA was doing all 

the needed work between dates to get rights terminated

so he could be placed with his forever family.)

The end of May was the termination hearing. They wanted

to move him into a long term home at that time (as we

are just a short term place of safety), but my momma heart

said no, and I fought to keep him. They let us.... fast forward to July.

 I keep checking in with CPFSA (didn't know if

I should make travel plans as usual or not if we

would still have Baby K with us) and they are telling

me it will be probably 3-4 months for him to be placed with his

forever family, so we let them know we are willing to keep him

until he is placed. But then we learn the mom is dragging her feet, 

she doesn't want to sign off on the papers to terminate rights. 

Come to find out, after

the monthly placement meeting in July, That the bio mom has

changed her mind and wants him back. CPFSA then gives her a year (so

from now until the summer of 2019)

to find a place to live and get a job so she can care for him. Visitaion

would start this fall to help with the bonding. 

Then they turn to us. They are willing to let us keep him, but it will be another

year.... I wasn't ready for that. I didn't expect ever getting a choice.

Every time before we would get 

 a call and get a baby, we get another call the baby goes.

My mommas heart was crying out YES! keep him, protect him

love him, don't let him go to another children's home.

But then God spoke up reminding me "you can't pour out of 

an empty vessel" and I knew thats where I was at. I had been feeling

guilty about the 'leftovers' Neiah had been getting that summer because 

there was a lot going on and a lot of back and forth with Baby K's situation.

I had to think of her and how another year loving on Baby K would effect 

her and him. Would he be able to bond fully to his bio mom if he was already

bonded to Neiah and I? How would it effect Neiah (and me) to have him for

15 months then have to let him go.... what if after the year the bio mom still

didn't have her things together and we were back at square one him being 

put in a long term home... What if.....

Then I opened up and read in Samuel and it specifically talked 

about David staying at En Gedi and how Saul was chasing him, but

David stood firm that he would not kill Saul because God 

had placed him in authority, and David respected that authority. 

What that spoke to me is I am David at En Gedi, CPFSA is 

the authority. They see the big picture in these situations 

with the babies and families, they know things I do not.

I need to respect that and not try to fight them for what 

I think is best for the child, when I can't see the big picture.

So after a lot of tears and a hard goodbye, Baby K was 

taken and placed in a different home, so he can start

visiting and bonding with his bio mom.

I am so thankful for a great big God who loves our Baby K

so much more then Neiah and I. I am so thankful that I 

can turn to him and He can grant me the peace and healing/calm

that only He can. He knows, He understands. This is the first

time things have gone this way and it was hard, BUT I know all

the babies placed with us will not be "ideal' situations, and that we

must Trust God even in the hard, even when we want to muscle it

on our own and do what we think is best. God is Good. Always. 

The End.

Prayers appreciated for Baby K and his bio mom as they start

visitation this Sept. Prayers appreciated for Neiah and I as we

get ready (after a much needed break) to head home and take

in any others that Jesus needs us to love and run along side.

Thanks.